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I imagine many of you, my millions of visitors, are wondering many things about me.  This list will hopefully answer the bulk of your burning questions about me.  This is a list of questions I’ve compiled that a zillion people (I pretend) ask me on a regularly.

Q: Why do you torture vegetables?

A: I’m not torturing them because they can’t feel anything.  If you think that stabbing knives into vegetables, or anything inanimate is harming it, you’re a loony.  I find it to be relaxing and fun; it is a better hobby that stabbing people or kittens.

Q: Who are you?

A: I’m the most awesome, self-absorbed person you will ever find on the internet.  I’m also the least ashamed of my self-absorption.

Q: What is a corntilever?

A: You can check the “Origin of the Corntilever” page, or you just not worry about it because it’s totally irrelevant.

Q: How are you so awesome?

A: The Chi energy of my blog has perfect balance from my practices of Feng Shui.  And I’m creative.

Q: Can I send you a T-shirt/Poster/Print of one of your blog posts/Cat of mine for you to autograph?

A: Yes, but I may not return it.

Q: Are you always planning something evil?

A: I’m planning something, but it has chosen neither the light nor the dark side yet.

Q: How is this FAQ page supposed to help me whatsoever when you clearly made up all of these questions, stupid?

A: It boosts my ego, and that powers my blog.

Any further questions can be directed to me through your comments, and I may put them on this page.



  1. You really must have been bored.
    While I am here… CAN I HAVE ORANGE?

  2. No. I might let you take our neighbor’s dog that I’ve been petsitting. It’s one of the nicest, oldest dogs in the world. (It’s like 17 or something in human years–that’s like 119 in dog years!) Actually, they probably won’t pay me if they find that I’ve given their beloved dog away, even though they have a nice cat too.

  3. Okay. Here’s another question. LOTTIE SAYS that it looks like you’re always planning something evil… ARE YOU?

  4. Duh.

  5. Another one of life’s unanswered questions… how do you get Sam Swain to write a letter in response to A LETTER? Hm?

  6. I really want to know why WordPress denies some of my comments.

  7. I think it’s only done that like once, a while ago.

  8. Do you realize that if you were to go into the men’s room of the smallest bar in the tiniest town in America and write something just above the urinal, you’d probably get at least three people to read it?

  9. Is the return comment rate of this blog slowly declining?

  10. What is the demographic of this blog? Teenage? Female? Eccentric?

  11. Foo’ is it summa yet?!

  12. I feel like that since it’s summer, you should in fact tidy things up a bit and delete some of my nagging comments. They have piled up like hairspray on a sweaty hog, creating a film of awesomeness. It makes your blog look bad.

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