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Category Archives: The Continuing Adventures of Burnt Phonebook Man

Siege on the treehouse necessitated that hot oil be dumped on the encroaching enemy.  When no burning oil was to be found, the shredded remains of a phone that barely survived winter had to substitute.  The enemy vanquished, the treehouse was safe, but now the tattered remains of the phonebook lay on the ground.

A mass of miniature jungle, untamed, called for domestication.  The powerful cutter truncated each towering blade, but would not be satisfied with this meal.  Twigs splintered in its severing vortex, shreds of paper once belonging to a phonebook that lay helplessly on the ground were mutilated beyond seeming possibility, and, confetti-ized, lay once again on the cruel earth open to any more persecution that could find them.

Calling hours are–


My parents decided, after a frantic search to find the hole puncher so that I could organize my biology notebook, that the phonebooks needed a thinning of the herd.  That is what I did today.  Sit on the edge of your seats in anticipation!  I have done the unthinkable!  I have burned no less than FIVE phonebooks!

They were of various sizes.  I scattered them on our burn pile, and lit one, the one that burned so diligently, it left not even a spine to be nailed.  Likewise, another performed, but the others were stubborn.  I have chunks of pages from two, and one with a spine still intact, with some pages still yellow.  This one will suffer a similar fate as the previous–nailing to the tree.  Speaking of which, the other has fallen and must be reattached.

In a way, I have succeeded in burning the alphabet, now six times.  Sesame Street weeps.

Even a person as amazing as me must resolve some things.  This year I must burn more phonebooks.  I must stab more vegetables.  I must reach 500 comments.  I must conquer the world.  (Three out of four isn’t bad, though.)

I had my first snow day for this school year today.  This is a list of most of what I did (definitely not in chronological order).  As you can see, it was heavy with Mark.

I played 1.5 games of Scrabble against Mark and won all.  I kept score on Mark’s lazy and tolerant cat that was lying beside me.

I shoveled Mark’s driveway with his help.

Mark found that half of The Phonebook had frozen and broken off from the rest.  I’m really unsure of what to do with it now.

Mark and I froze 37¢ in ice.  My 37 cents.

I almost buried Mark in the snow.

I called my brother fat.

I ate pumpkin cheesecake.

I nailed the aforementioned phonebook through its spine to a tree in my backyard today.  Such fun.  Pictures are finally up!

Today was a wondrous day of not much labor.  Rather, it was quite fun.

I stuck a knife in the face of a squash.  Its face, yes.  I drew it on with a black Sharpie last night around 11:30.  I stuck it all the way through its head.

I also burned a phonebook today.  It was fun.  I got the idea a few days ago and I just decided to do it today.  It burned a lot, but I still have the spine and the remnants of a few pages, which I will be taking to school on Tuesday.  It’s pretty epic.  And it smells like burnt… phonebook.

To end today, I ate the squash at dinner.  His torture was short-lived, unlike Jim the Potato’s, for those of you who are familiar with him.  For those who aren’t, that is another story for another time.