Even a person as amazing as me must resolve some things. This year I must burn more phonebooks. I must stab more vegetables. I must reach 500 comments. I must conquer the world. (Three out of four isn’t bad, though.)
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Pointlessness and the Quest for Unreality 
52 Comments
Three out of four isn’t bad, you’re right. And I will confirm that 500 comments IS asking a little too much.
I got 316 total comments last year. I only need 184 more, but I have nearly twice as long to do it. I think it’s completely feasible.
I assume you’re thinking that you’ll be responsible for about 92 of those comments (you’re down to 91 now), but if you really don’t think you can do that many, then you should be recruiting. Get to it!
THAT’S IT?! I am shooting for 999 before I die. This requires you to keep spewing. And my side? Hm. We shall see. I am thinking about getting it tattooed on my forehead. Goes nicely with the rest of my geographical features.
You need a phonebook burning with the URL spelled out in the smoke.
That master, is asking above my level of competence.
I wasn’t expecting you to tattoo it to your forehead yourself. I doubt that you even have tattooing equipment.
Sam, Sam, you forgetful one. I live next door to a tattoo artist, silly! He’s practically in my backyard. And even still, I could do it the old fashioned way with a handful of pins and a jar of ink. Much easier than this phonebook nonsense.
I meant get a tattoo of the burning phonebook.
Oh. I do stuff in my sleep like that. Psh. I thought you doubted my powers for a second there. Glad we figured that out.
By the way… I am going to eat your children.
I don’t and won’t have any children.
That doesn’t change anything. I am still eating your children.
PS I LOVE the change.
Not if they eat you first.
You are referring to the title as the change, I assume.
I have already eaten them. It is done.
But if you’ve eaten them live and whole, you have made a deadly mistake.
Oh gaw, what now? What have you done to your children?
They’ll just eat you from the inside out.
That’s very unsettling. What if I took the blender to them?
Prior to eating them? Then they wold be well blent, and they would go down about as easy as someone can drink any cannibal’s smoothie.
I think the reason that my comment numbers are so low is because you always have the last word… or I can’t come up with anything to sound better (in other words.)
BTW Sam. All these people need to act upon my advertising. Sara has done nothing despite my starving family and Aleesa decided to mock them. I suggest that you remove me from my position.
Nah, it’s okay. At least you’re trying.
I WILL NOT LET YOU HAVE THE LAST WORD. (laugh) It’s on.
I could delete all comments you post in here. I believe, as all-powerful controller of this blog, I win this battle.
NO. THAT is NOT cool Dave. Oh. I don’t like that at all. I would say something filled with greater wit and threatening disposition, but ALAS… I am a moron… insignificant and to top everything else… A WOMAN. (That’s for all the sexists out there.) Sexists must never be forgotten.
My name is not Dave.
I am aware of that. Apparently you have not heard me use that phrase before.
Maybe I have. Or maybe I’m deaf.
No, I can’t be deaf. If I were, I wouldn’t be able to hear the oodles of congratulations I receive from COMMENT 350!!!!
To be blatantly honest, this new layout is disgusting. I hope you are not offended. It’s also confusing and I feel like someone stuck me in a box and flung me from the sky.
On a more positive note… 350 is pretty impressive.
350 is amazing. Thanks for helping.
I tried this new format just for fun. It’ll probably return to its original state in a few days or hours.
Wow. A piece of gratitude? What kind of phonebooks are you smoking? NO, WAIT! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH SAM? IMPOSTER! Those darn lemurs. (laugh)
Ahem. Language? Editing now.
Verizon phonebooks, for your information (cliché?).
Not at all. And also, I thought it was necessary. We are talking about your life, after all.
My life is not filled with swears.
I guess I wasn’t clear… WE ARE talking ABOUT… you know what? I give up.
So I win?
No. I have just given up trying to- yes. I suppose in a sense, you do win.
But not the last word contest. At least I’ve won something.
LAST WORD?! Never. I will not stop. I have plenty to blab on about.
So this post is going to be filled with comments about nothing to do with the post? Let’s at least try.
So Madeleine, what are your resolutions for the new year?
(Comment 375!)
I resolve nothing. I think resolutions are LAME. If I had any, it would be to kill my cat. Does that count? What do you want me to say? Sam I wanna find a lover? I wanna quit smoking? I wanna be a better person? I wanna get the hobos outta my closet? Ooooh. That’s a good one.
So you have two. That’s good. Go ye thither and RESOLVE!
So it does count? Hm. I need something better than that. What are the specifications for a New Year’s resolution?
It must be nearly unachievable, and it must take an excruciating amount of time out of the normal flow of your life.
This explains why I don’t like resolutions… Do you know anyone who really gets into it?
No. I don’t know any smokers.
That’s not true…
That would make another good resolution.
For you to meet a smoker? I have got a few in my closet… if you forgot.
You misinterpret my words, for I misinterpreted yours. I have not forgotten them. HOBOS: I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU! I COME IN PEACE! I DON’T WANT YOUR DRUGS!
Sometimes I forget what the original post was about.