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Today was a wondrous day of not much labor.  Rather, it was quite fun.

I stuck a knife in the face of a squash.  Its face, yes.  I drew it on with a black Sharpie last night around 11:30.  I stuck it all the way through its head.

I also burned a phonebook today.  It was fun.  I got the idea a few days ago and I just decided to do it today.  It burned a lot, but I still have the spine and the remnants of a few pages, which I will be taking to school on Tuesday.  It’s pretty epic.  And it smells like burnt… phonebook.

To end today, I ate the squash at dinner.  His torture was short-lived, unlike Jim the Potato’s, for those of you who are familiar with him.  For those who aren’t, that is another story for another time.



  1. Why that is positively glorious. It also depicts what I sometimes wish to do with my brother. I showed my mom and she laughed and simply said, “What IS wrong with him?” Nothing folks, Sam Swain is back, that’s all.

  2. One last thing, “LONG LIVE PYROMANIACS!” (they need all the help they can get…)

  3. I’d doubt it. They’re quite prominent. Especially in crematoriums. That’s where pyromaniacs make money burning stuff. And people even! So much awesomes. I might do that when I’m older. Yeah. Cremator. That’s me. In a few years.
    Woot! 150th post. By me again. Wow.

  4. Isn’t that like done in an oven? And I don’t think they burn phonebooks, I think it’s more of a dead body thing.

  5. I know that. But someone could ask me what I do for a living and I could tell them “I burn the remains of dead people”. Like they would think I make dead bodies go away for murderers or something, and they’d be totally wrong! What is not cool about that job?

  6. Well for starters, you could say, “I burn the remains of living people.” I’m pretty sure that’s not an occupation though.

  7. But cremation is legal. And easier, because the people don’t move and they’re quiet.

  8. Good point. Very good point.

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